Giving over

I think we all could use a few more trust exercises. You know, like when you have to stand there in gym class, cross your arms over your chest, and fall back – trusting that the person behind is there to catch you. Or have you ever experienced a concert, and flung yourself off some stage – trusting (however stupidly) that a group of gangly teenage boys are going to be able to lift you high, up and over the crowd?

This is a short, emphatic burst of trust. It’s the fun kind, where in the worst case you suffer a few bruises, maybe a scraped knee.

Then there’s the harder kind, where you risk much more. This is where I find myself now, being thrown onto the beneficence of the world around me, trusting that people, in very surprising ways, will step up to fill the places they are most needed. I am giving myself over.

What is most miraculous, most special, is that the more you risk, the higher the return. The wider you fling your arms, the greater the giving over, all of this takes you deeper into the life you have – not the life you think you have, but the one you’re really living. Nothing like a little trust to put you in the moment.

I’ve always been someone who likes to plan, and who likes to stay in control. It’s easier to manage life, relationships, stress, work, when you have control. But the wildest rides I’ve ever had have been where I’ve opened my arms, taken a breath, and jumped. It has shown me that my ‘control’ is usually an illusion. So much of life is out of my control. When I jump, I acknowledge that truth, and by letting go, I grab hold more firmly of the life I want.

The life I want is woven through with people, rich with relationship, warm and honest and real. And I’m learning what it means to allow myself to appreciate these things, instead of holding myself secure away from them. Already, over the past few days I have watched with wonder as people I would never have expected stand up and offer help, fill in where they are needed, or even just walk with me a while. I think of a verse: ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’.

I am giving myself over – finding that in trust there is hope, and in releasing there is power.